"1+1=3"... Making “We” a Priority

Another task that is very important for couples to create a happy marriage is the creation of a sense of togetherness.  Some refer to this as a sense of we-ness, or thinking of yourselves as having a combined identity.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you lose your individual identity.  What is important is having a good balance between your togetherness and individuality.  I like to think of a couple as being made up of three entities: each individual and the relationship itself.  Each entity is equally important and all must be taken into account when making decisions and planning together. 

There are things couples can do together to help create this sense of we-ness.  One is to create a shared sense of future together.  A good thing for couples to do is to spend time sharing their ideas and dreams for the future and coming up with a shared vision and plan for where they are going. 

This can certainly be done when planning a wedding.  A shared vision of a wedding created by a couple together is a good way to start this.  But it is important to carry beyond the wedding and create a shared vision for what the marriage will be like as well.  I would suggest any couple getting married spend some time talking about what they would like their marriage and lives together to look like five, ten, twenty years after the wedding.

It is also important to make the relationship a priority on an ongoing basis.  When in the excitement of planning a wedding, this may seem like a no brainer, but it is very easy for people to assume their relationship is OK and give more priority to work, kids, or the house, among other things.  It is important for couples to have time with each other that is just devoted to each other.  It will make the rest of life together go easier.

Talk to you soon.

Dr. Mark